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Question:

– Name: Kai

– What’s your question? Hey, so it’s been a while since I’ve dated and I kinda lost how to flirt and I don’t know how to get back out there can you help please. It’s been like a few months and I haven’t dated because in my last relationship it was (long) distance and this guy verbally abused me, and I lost who I was and believe all the mean things he said so I’m also scared all guys are like this.

Answer:

– Hi Kai! It can definitely be difficult to get back into the dating world, especially after a harmful relationship. Here are the tips you need to start dating again (and feeling comfortable doing so), move on from your ex boyfriend, and regain your self-love and identity after a toxic relationship.

  1. How To Get Back Into the Dating World: Define what you want and need in a relationship. It may sound odd, but write it down. (Ex. My future boyfriend will 1) respect me, 2) take care of his body and hygiene, 3) be open to new activities and experiences, and so on.) This way, when you do begin to date again, you’ll have a defined set of standards and goals for the guys you choose to date and interact with. Also, remember that flirting is supposed to be fun. The key is to feel attractive and enjoy the flirtation. Remember to be light, funny, and have small conversation. If you know you’re going to see your crush, for example, at school or a local coffee shop, wear whatever helps you feel beautiful inside and out, and behave positive and calm around that person so your personality can show.
  2. Moving on from Your Ex: Realize how he treated you: You noted that your ex boyfriend verbally abused you and called you names, and this was a person you likely trusted and had emotional ties to. When dating, we tend to attach our identity to that person: our personality, confidence, etc. If they have certain habits, we may take on some of them. If they make us feel less than, we may tend to reevaluate our selves and our own beliefs. In this case, it’s necessary to recognize the manipulative patterns of our past relationships, so we can detach ourselves from the abuse and manipulation, and redefine our identity.
  3. Becoming Yourself Again: Frequently say “I am beautiful”, “I am deserving”, “I am smart”, etc. Do things that enact those feelings, such as reading a new book, talking to those you love, keeping your daily skincare routine, journaling, and more.

Kai, remember that you deserve much better and you will GET better. Dating again can be uneasy, but when you take time to detach yourself from negative past relationships and regain your confidence, flirting and getting out there again won’t seem scary. In fact, it’ll be enjoyable.

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