“Hi!! My name is Emma and I was in a relationship with someone my senior year of high school and we did not date but we were exclusive to each other and we knew we were never gonna be together after prom because he was going to the army and I was moving to Florida for college, the way he ended things was very bad. He texted me how it’s going to hurt him more if we keep talking the way we do and I always had resentment for him after that. it’s been seven months since we spoken and I’m done with college for my first year and he is back home for break until he goes to Alaska and we are from New York. he texted me to hang out before he left and we hung out and it was good, but I just felt like I still have feelings, but I always buried them inside and I feel like he does not feel the same way. i’m confused on why he wanted to hang out all we did was talk and watch a movie and kiss no sex. when we say goodbye to each other, he said I hope we see each other in the future and I don’t know how to feel about that and I was very sad and I’m also very confused because we were never sexually intimate while we were together in high school and he said it’s because he knew he was gonna get attached but I feel like it’s a lie as well. I’m just mixed with a lot of emotions right now. I don’t know how to feel. after we hung out, we haven’t spoken since.”

Hi Emma! You were in a relationship-that-wasn’t-a-relationship-but-totally-was. Exclusive, emotionally deep, and headed for an expiration date you both saw coming, but unfortunately didn’t make the fall any softer. The problem with “we both knew it was ending” is that knowing something doesn’t mean your heart was prepared for it.

Then he ended things with a classic “this hurts me more than it hurts you” breakup text. Translation? “I’m overwhelmed and don’t want to deal with this, so I’m making myself the victim so you don’t question it.” You had every right to hold resentment. He didn’t give you closure, he gave you a riddle.

Fast forward seven months. You just finished your first year of college (congrats by the way!), you’re back home, and he pops up again. You hang out, and suddenly all those buried feelings come crawling back out of their emotional grave. That’s normal. When something ends in a haze of almosts, your heart holds onto the “what if.” Then he kisses you, tosses out a vague “hope we see each other again,” and fades back into the distance.

You asked why you still care. I’ll tell you why. You didn’t just like him, you saw the potential of what could’ve been. The version of him that cared, the one who said he’d get attached if you slept together. And maybe that was true. Maybe he was scared. Maybe he would get super attached. But scared people don’t get to keep you half-loved while they figure it out.

He reopened the wound, poked around, and left again. And now you’re left wondering what it meant and why it still hurts. But this isn’t just about him. This is about you. About the version of you who cared for him. Who hoped it would be different. Who still remembers how close it almost came to being something more. You’re not confused, you’re grieving, and you’re grieving the potential of what could’ve been, alongside the version of you that wanted more. And here’s where you are in that process: you’ve passed denial because you know he’s not coming back in any real way. You’re between sadness and acceptance, with a little bargaining mixed in. That little voice that says “maybe if he reached out again, it would feel different this time.” That’s not love. That’s grief trying to rewrite the ending.

So here’s an action plan for you. Feel free to take and leave what feels best, because there will be someone who doesn’t need to pull and push at your feelings to make you feel something.

First, identify what you hoped for. Not just from him, but from that whole chapter. What did you want to feel? Safe? Chosen? Desired? All of the above? Write it down. That’s your real desire hiding underneath your feelings, not him. Second, replace him. Every time he crosses your mind, do one thing, however small, that brings you back to you. Text a friend. Get fresh air. Add a song to your playlist. Work on your Pinterest board. Show your nervous system something new is coming.

Third, build closure through behavior. Unfollow if it helps. And don’t give meaning to crumbs. As a born over-thinker, I understand giving every word, text, and picture meaning. But we have to come back to this: if he wanted to be in your life, he’d be here. Let that be enough. And finally, declare the lesson. Not “he was a mistake,” but “this showed me what I need in love moving forward.” Because it did.

Love, Bella

P.S. You weren’t too much. He was too unequipped. There’s a difference, and it matters.

–Kate

Hi Kate,

I’ll tell you why you’re attached. But first, I’ll tell you a story.

Freshman year, I met a guy who told me, more than once, that he couldn’t be the man I needed and wasn’t ready for a relationship. Doe-eyed and craving affection, I stayed. And I’ll be honest, I knew I was out of his league. I figured he’d grow. I figured he’d realize I was good for him. I treated him well, showed up for him, even helped him emotionally. What I didn’t realize was that underneath all of that, I was clinging to the feeling. I needed his attention, his affection, the comfort. And the worst part? He told me exactly how it would end. And he was right.

I’m telling you this because you’re not alone. You’re not foolish. You just had hope. And when the connection feels strong but the relationship never forms, it creates this confusing limbo that’s hard to step out of. I’ve been there. So many of us have. And me and you both know you deserve better. So let’s talk about why this still hurts.

You said the key words: He’s an avoidant. Which tells me you’re aware he’s not communicating his feelings, nor delivering the needs of yours. You’ve also been telling him to change, which tells me the dynamic consists of you voicing your needs, him not meeting them, and you trying to “fix” the situation or him. But that isn’t love. It’s labor. And love isn’t supposed to exhaust you.

You also know he isn’t the man for you. Not just because he said it, but because of how he shows up. The moments where he goes silent, when your needs get pushed aside, when he disappears just long enough for you to question everything. And then, right as you start to find your footing, he pops back in. That’s not clarity. That’s confusion disguised as comfort.

And I’m not going to tell you to block him. That’s not always the solution. You don’t need to cut him off. You just need to come back to you. You don’t need to make a dramatic exit to reclaim your peace. You just need to start choosing yourself more often. Your energy, your affection, and your presence are gifts. Reread that. And they don’t belong in hands that don’t know how to hold them, no matter the reason why.

Here’s what tends to happen if you stay in the loop. You’ll keep talking. You’ll keep hoping. He’ll say the right things. Maybe even treat you like a girlfriend without calling you one. And yes, it’ll feel good… until it doesn’t. Until you remember you still don’t have a title. Still don’t have security. Still don’t feel chosen. Still in a relationship for years and he isn’t serving up to your needs without a fight or confrontation. And you’ll wonder if you’re asking for too much when really, you’re asking for the bare minimum.

And none of this makes you unworthy. It makes you human. You’re not “too much” or “not enough.” You’re just someone who’s been giving more than they’ve been getting. And if that dynamic hasn’t changed yet, it won’t.

So is he manipulating you or does he like you? Both. He probably likes you. Likes your heart, spending time with you, the affection you give him. And he may be unintentionally pulling you along. But if he hasn’t done the work to show up in love, he’s not going to magically wake up ready. Even if he’s kind. Even if he says he cares. Saying “you deserve better” isn’t the same as being better. Sometimes people give you just enough to keep you close, but never enough to make you feel secure. And that’s not love. That’s games. And intentional or not, it’s manipulation.

I know it’s tempting to wonder what’s stopping him. I know you’ve thought of it all: Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he’s been hurt. Maybe it’s something deep he hasn’t healed yet. And maybe it is. But unless heis the one asking those questions, it’s not your job to answer them for him. And you should be in a relationship with someone who does answer those questions, without you having to even ask. And holding out hope for a relationship that won’t be ready when you get in it, because he won’t do the work now, is only time spent losing yourself in the process.

So why are you attached to someone you never dated?

Because you cared. Because you felt something real. You built a story around the version of him that showed up when things felt good. You saw potential. You hoped for more. And when you care deeply, even an almost can leave a real mark.

But now, it’s time to return to you. Because quite honestly, no amount of love or likeness is enough to make someone treat you differently.

And if you’re wondering how to actually close the door, start small. Archive the messages so you’re not tempted to reread them. Mute him if you don’t want to block him. When the thoughts come up, remind yourself: if he wanted to be here, he would be. It doesn’t have to be cold or sudden. It just has to be consistent.

You can miss him and still move forward. You can care about him and still close the door. You can maintain boundaries and not put his desires before yours. You don’t need his permission to let go.

And if he reaches out again? You don’t have to react. You’ll already know he’s not trying to build something new. He’s just making sure the door is still open. And you are learning how to lock the door without hating what’s behind it.

With much love,

Bella

–Ashley

Hi Ashley! 

Back to the exes. A page that has been re-written in my book plenty of times. I’ve definitely caught a case of the BHBs (Back Home Blues), so you’re not alone. That hometown energy has a way of pulling ghosts out of the closet and making you question if they ever really left in the first place. 

Here’s what stands out: two years. Too recent to start over, and too long to be stuck on the small details of the breakup. It’s huge that you felt like you moved on, especially if the breakup wasn’t easy. But I gotta ask: who reached out first?

Because when exes come sniffing around after you’ve healed, it’s rarely out of love. The healing process for many guys includes fun first, healing second, and it tends to be the opposite for us girls. I mention this because if he reached out first, it was likely based on ego (using the 2 years for reference). This comes into play when they want to see if they still have access to you, or if you’re willing to go as far as trying again. If you reached out first, (and I love you so don’t hate me), it’s possible you weren’t as over him as you thought. That’s more than okay. But let’s be honest with ourselves about what this really is, because honesty will take us into what I’m about to say next: Him just seeing you as a friend.

It’s completely valid to feel a little upset that he’s only seeing you as a friend. You were an important part of his life, and him sliding back in can stir up a lot: old feelings, questions, even hope. But now is the time to ask yourself what you actually want.

Do you want, truly, to be more than friends with him, or is this a sting from the Back-Home-Blues? Would it vanish if you met someone new who had everything he had and more? Then this might be a case of the BHBs and temporary nostalgia. Or, would it go away if he wasn’t talking to other girls? Then maybe it’s not about him… it’s about the feeling of being replaced. But if none of that would change how you feel, even if circumstances were different, or you even reached out first… then maybe you still have real feelings for him.

Again, I ask these questions to address the core issue. You are beautiful, obviously smart, and more than emotionally capable enough to get over him comfortably if you fall out (because you already did). Getting clear on what you want also helps understand why you’re truly upset he’s talking to other girls, especially if exclusivity wasn’t promised. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re in a relay race giving the baton to the next girl and *hoping* she runs back to you. If you truly want something with your ex, this race shouldn’t exist at all.

And lastly, the final words: “I’m letting him ruin my peace.” You know it, I know it. You moved on from him, and you’re now in the weird 2-year-zone post breakup. If during the snapping stage you feel that your peace, the peace you worked for and fought for no matter how much you missed him, is now being affected, then hear this: no person or circumstance should cost your peace. If snapping with someone you once cared for has you questioning your worth, he’s not offering friendship, he’s offering confusion. Especially an ex. Especially someone you already got over. Especially someone you’re feeling for only because of Back Home Blues. Especially just to feel chosen.

So no Ashley, you don’t have to ghost him or make it dramatic. You just need to choose you again. You can be kind, cordial, even chill, but detached. Because you’re not just anyone. You’re not a maybe. You’re not a relay race runner standing in the cold while he’s swinging his baton between you and other girls. You can remind yourself that your feelings got involved in something that was never meant to be this serious again. And it’s okay, it happens. But now it’s time to protect the peace you earned. That post-breakup peace is sacred. Don’t gamble it for comfort or curiosity. Exes alwayssss want to “remain friends” or “remain in contact.” But if he wasn’t married to you or you don’t have kids by him, then all those words simply mean is “remain in access.” And Ashley, you deserve way better. And way hotter. So feel free to cut him off, because it’s clear you’re not looking for a friendship. You’re looking for peace.

Love, 

Bella