Honest transparency: I was diagnosed with dystaunomia. And with over 7 more intensive tests upcoming, I have much more to learn about my body.

Throughout the past month, I’ve struggled, practically fought against the case I live in. I’ve felt at war with my mind and heart, but the war between a mind and body is a feat more difficult. And let me spoil it: the body wins the battle.

I’ve been grieving my body, a body where I can move and breathe without pain or dysregulation, frankly without trust. But I’m not here to bore, I’m here to warn.

Be mindful of your capacity. Physically and mentally. Us girls are ambitious, strong, intelligent. Our minds sees paths not formed yet, and our hearts heal things not even broken. Yet with our powers come one word that can stricken: capacity.

Take out illness and drop in relationships. Partners, distant parents, and old friends all share a footnote on the essay of capacity. We may have witnessed one’s intent to love us, or their intent to listen and care. But when their capacity stops — the text messages. The calls. Hell, even the emails. When they pause, no matter that person’s intent, we recognize their capacity, or inability to have it so, to care for us.

So why can’t we recognize our own?

Maybe it’s hidden. You know you ghost people when it’s time to give in. You know you ignore when seeing their face sparks more emotion than you can hold. You know you cry in silence, because doing so outside of your home or therapy exposes that… capacity.

And as someone who has been through a lot (just, literally read the blog), I didn’t realize the battle was truthfully mind and matter. But as I learned recently, matter takes over when the mind has reached capacity.

Book that therapy appointment. Dance or sing if it makes you feel better. I don’t care what you do. But your body does. And I’m not a writer but a reminder that intent… No matter if that is love. Or ambition. But that intent, without a person’s capacity to hold it, CANNOT become consistency. Or pattern. Or routine.

Quotes:

• “The good news is you plant the seed. The bad news is all plants grow.”
• “I stopped confusing intensity with intimacy.”
• “Struggle doesn’t make me worthy. Existence does.”
• “Even pain was proof I was still alive enough to love.”
• “No matter where I’m at, I’m always going to be loved by those I’m energetically matched with. So I’ll be obsessed. And unapologetic. Because I’ll be loved either way.”
• “I can’t reason it. I can’t reason why I just can’t be myself. I can’t reason why I never give up. I can’t reason why despite having no engagement, I post and I write even when I don’t want to. Yea I see potential, but statistically, financially, and most importantly analytically, there’s no reason for me to continue going; in fact there’s more reason to stop. But even if I died tomorrow, I will do it all again in another life. And honestly, I think that’s why I chose to be here. Everything I stopped myself from doing, everything I withdrew on, I came to do in this life. That’s why I have a million passions. That’s why I can’t not be myself. I chose to be here to put everything that’s been on my soul’s heart into the world one last time.”
• “I know what it feels like to be my dream self — happy, worry-free, and radiant — and I can feel that anytime.”
• “I realized that when God told me to be silent a long time ago, I interpreted that externally. I assumed he wanted me to close my eyes, lock the door, pray in silence, learning and abiding from within, giving power to nothing external, etc. But then it hit me: He didn’t mean external silence. He meant internal. He wanted my mind to be silent. Silent from doubt, worry, and thought in general. I can meditate and not hear a peep from anything outside of me, but that’s not the silence he was referring to.”
• “I can feel my mom’s presence. Just because I’m thinking about it. To call something, a thought, not only do I give it life, I give it presence.”
• “I also wanted to mention my further grace to God. I am at a point in my life, in my wisdom, where it’s not only impossible to go back, but I don’t even identify with remnants of my past. I physically look at past situations as if they’re separate alternate lives or memories of an alternate life. Which they are.”

“But that’s just my nature. I love searching. Finding. Revealing. Hiding. And I think the biggest misfortune of all was when I realized as a child, that everything I was curious of or found special to my own experiences; there was already a name for. What a crime. A crime to my life. I felt robbed. What am I if not what I search for? What do I hold to myself if everything is already in the hand of another?”

–Ashley

Hi Ashley! 

Back to the exes. A page that has been re-written in my book plenty of times. I’ve definitely caught a case of the BHBs (Back Home Blues), so you’re not alone. That hometown energy has a way of pulling ghosts out of the closet and making you question if they ever really left in the first place. 

Here’s what stands out: two years. Too recent to start over, and too long to be stuck on the small details of the breakup. It’s huge that you felt like you moved on, especially if the breakup wasn’t easy. But I gotta ask: who reached out first?

Because when exes come sniffing around after you’ve healed, it’s rarely out of love. The healing process for many guys includes fun first, healing second, and it tends to be the opposite for us girls. I mention this because if he reached out first, it was likely based on ego (using the 2 years for reference). This comes into play when they want to see if they still have access to you, or if you’re willing to go as far as trying again. If you reached out first, (and I love you so don’t hate me), it’s possible you weren’t as over him as you thought. That’s more than okay. But let’s be honest with ourselves about what this really is, because honesty will take us into what I’m about to say next: Him just seeing you as a friend.

It’s completely valid to feel a little upset that he’s only seeing you as a friend. You were an important part of his life, and him sliding back in can stir up a lot: old feelings, questions, even hope. But now is the time to ask yourself what you actually want.

Do you want, truly, to be more than friends with him, or is this a sting from the Back-Home-Blues? Would it vanish if you met someone new who had everything he had and more? Then this might be a case of the BHBs and temporary nostalgia. Or, would it go away if he wasn’t talking to other girls? Then maybe it’s not about him… it’s about the feeling of being replaced. But if none of that would change how you feel, even if circumstances were different, or you even reached out first… then maybe you still have real feelings for him.

Again, I ask these questions to address the core issue. You are beautiful, obviously smart, and more than emotionally capable enough to get over him comfortably if you fall out (because you already did). Getting clear on what you want also helps understand why you’re truly upset he’s talking to other girls, especially if exclusivity wasn’t promised. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re in a relay race giving the baton to the next girl and *hoping* she runs back to you. If you truly want something with your ex, this race shouldn’t exist at all.

And lastly, the final words: “I’m letting him ruin my peace.” You know it, I know it. You moved on from him, and you’re now in the weird 2-year-zone post breakup. If during the snapping stage you feel that your peace, the peace you worked for and fought for no matter how much you missed him, is now being affected, then hear this: no person or circumstance should cost your peace. If snapping with someone you once cared for has you questioning your worth, he’s not offering friendship, he’s offering confusion. Especially an ex. Especially someone you already got over. Especially someone you’re feeling for only because of Back Home Blues. Especially just to feel chosen.

So no Ashley, you don’t have to ghost him or make it dramatic. You just need to choose you again. You can be kind, cordial, even chill, but detached. Because you’re not just anyone. You’re not a maybe. You’re not a relay race runner standing in the cold while he’s swinging his baton between you and other girls. You can remind yourself that your feelings got involved in something that was never meant to be this serious again. And it’s okay, it happens. But now it’s time to protect the peace you earned. That post-breakup peace is sacred. Don’t gamble it for comfort or curiosity. Exes alwayssss want to “remain friends” or “remain in contact.” But if he wasn’t married to you or you don’t have kids by him, then all those words simply mean is “remain in access.” And Ashley, you deserve way better. And way hotter. So feel free to cut him off, because it’s clear you’re not looking for a friendship. You’re looking for peace.

Love, 

Bella

Asking “why” like it was a prayer… or a curse.  

Every problem, every situation, every event had to have a search for reason. Why did this happen? Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I let it go?  And every “why” just led to more questions. More spirals. More noise.  

Then I read this line from Etel Adnan’s “Mount Tamalpais”: 

“The night freed us from our obsession with reason.”

To call my life an obsession stopped me in my tracks. We’re always encouraged to pursue our curiosity, we’re always told to keep asking why in the pursuit of reason or emotion. And it remains encouraged. Curiosity is the root of fruition. 

But then it turns into obsession. Trying to reason my way into peace. Into healing. Into control.  

For years, I treated healing like a riddle to be solved. As if peace would come if I just figured it out. As if love and pain have words to perfectly describe it, and when I found those words, I’d finally have it all. Just one more breakthrough, one more page in my journal, one more late-night analysis of someone’s tone or timing.

As if reason would free me from the weight of being human.

Some things are meant to be experienced.  

Some pain isn’t meant to be solved. Some beauty isn’t meant to be explained.  

Some healing isn’t logical. It’s *felt*. It’s lived. It’s breathed.

So now marks a point in my life where I surrender to mystery, not confusion. 

To being alive without always needing to know why.

What are you still trying to understand that might just want to be felt?

I’ve taken breaks from Living By Bella, and while I dislike inconsistency, it’s what I’ve been giving you. After months of rest from this newsletter, I’m here with a renewed commitment.

Revival, Renewal, Revelation

These words capture the essence of how I feel whenever something new awakens in me: a passion, a love, a friendship, a loss, anything. My passion for Living By Bella has always remained true but has wavered at times. Recently, I watched an interview where the interviewee said, “I feel like a fraud because I haven’t reached as many people as I’m supposed to.” This perfectly summed up my feelings. Despite having over 2,000 subscribers, I feel that Living By Bella hasn’t reached its full potential. I turned my passion into a business and regretted it because, at its heart, this wasn’t a business; it was a form of self-expression and connection.

I am so thankful for every reader and supporter. I don’t want to make any false promises or announce another relaunch. I just want to be honest. I will always write and keep this website running. If I’m not writing an article, someone else will. I will continue this newsletter, or “mini-magazine,” because I receive so many awesome responses from you all, saying that it’s helpful, nice to read, or a pleasant weekly reminder. So, I want to apologize again and make sure you all know I’m here to stay, even if I’m not always at the forefront.

Career

This past year has been a whirlwind of growth and discovery. As an intern at Estée Lauder, I’ve been diving deep into the world of data science, a field I’ve grown increasingly passionate about. My role involves working on various tech projects that not only challenge my skills but also allow me to innovate. It’s a thrilling experience to be part of such a dynamic industry.

Living in New York has been a dream come true, filled with both challenges and triumphs. The decision to move here, live with a stranger, and chase my career goals was daunting, yet exhilarating. My days are a blend of work, networking, and exploring the city’s vibrant culture. Balancing my tech aspirations with my love for writing has been an ongoing journey. Changing my minor to journalism was a decision fueled by my enduring love for storytelling. I believe that we don’t have to limit ourselves to one path. Embracing all our passions can lead to a more fulfilling life. The future of work is multifaceted, and I’m excited to be at the forefront of this shift.

Social

The social aspect of my life has seen some of the most profound changes. Navigating the end of significant friendships and the loss of family members has been a period of intense emotional growth. These experiences have reshaped my approach to relationships. In New York, I’ve had the opportunity to meet new people and build a network that aligns with my values and aspirations.

My current relationship has been a source of joy and stability. My boyfriend’s visit for my birthday was a highlight, filled with memorable experiences that strengthened our bond. From enjoying the city’s culinary delights to exploring its cultural landmarks, we created wonderful memories together. This period has taught me the importance of aligning my social connections with my inner values. It’s a reminder that true connections come from a place of mutual respect and understanding.

Spiritual Life

Spiritually, I’ve embarked on a journey of deeper understanding and connection. My exploration of philosophy and my relationship with God have provided me with a sense of peace and clarity. Viewing God as the source of inner wisdom has transformed my approach to life’s challenges. This spiritual growth has been a cornerstone of my personal development, offering a foundation of strength and serenity. If you’re interested in learning more about my research, philosophy, or beliefs, email me here with the title “Article Recommendation.” I’m excited to hear your ideas!

Final Thoughts

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you. Your support means the world to me. I’m committed to maintaining the integrity and passion of Living By Bella, and I’m excited to continue this journey with all of you. I missed you, and I thank you.

Love, Bella

Recently, I confronted a challenge I hadn’t fully recognized before – the issue of vulnerability. A close friend shared with me his recent experiences in the realm of love, when he disclosed personal details to his new date. I cautioned him that his openness, honesty, and love might be misconstrued as a weakness, leaving his vulnerability to possibly be taken advantage of. To my surprise, he responded, “My vulnerability is my power. No one can take that from me, especially when it’s one of the greatest things I control.” His response took me aback and had me pondering; I had never considered vulnerability, even the act of oversharing both the positive and negative aspects of life, as a source of power.

I used to be exceptionally vulnerable, sharing openly to compensate for my fear of inadequacy: believing that people could only connect with me if they knew every detail about my life. However, I’ve recently become overly private, unintentionally cutting off communication and leaving friends and family unaware of my whereabouts. Reflecting on my friend’s dating experience, I recognized that vulnerability had previously granted me numerous friendships, connections, and empathy, both with familiar faces and strangers alike.

This letter serves as a reminder to be truthful with oneself and embrace vulnerability. Not driven by fear or scarcity, but by strength and love. You don’t have to disclose every detail of your life to be vulnerable; instead, express your genuine emotions to foster connections you might not have otherwise experienced. Let vulnerability be a source of strength and a catalyst for authentic connections.

Wishing you all courage and authenticity on your journey.

With love,

Bella

Conflict is a powerful mirror that reflects our inner selves. Within the midst of disagreements and clashes lies an opportunity for self-discovery.

Finding Our Triggers

When faced with opposition, we feel angry and defensive: These emotional reactions serve as signposts, directing us toward areas that require further exploration. By understanding the root of these reactions, we gain insight into unresolved issues and unexamined beliefs, and we usually find things that have subconsciously upset us over time.

Our Communication Patterns

Our communication tendencies become apparent during conflict. Are we quick to defend ourselves? Do we avoid confrontation altogether? Conflict shines a light on our communication strengths and weaknesses, helping us understand how we treat those with different beliefs and how we listen.

Realizing Assumptions and Biases

Conflict often arises from differing viewpoints and assumptions. Exploring these discrepancies encourages us to confront our biases and preconceptions. By questioning the origin of our beliefs and considering alternative perspectives, we become more open-minded and able to engage in constructive dialogue.

Our Big Ego

Conflict can act as a mirror reflecting our ego’s role in interactions. Are we driven by a need to be right? Do we resist compromise to protect our self-image? Do we feel prideful, or that our opinions and beliefs should top others just because? Recognizing these ego-driven tendencies allows us to choose whether we want to be led by our ego or respond with humility and understanding.

Testing Our Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are central to conflict, making it a prime arena to develop emotional intelligence. By recognizing and managing our emotions amidst disagreements, we enhance our ability to empathize with others, regulate our own reactions, and navigate emotionally charged situations.

Embracing conflict as a teacher offers a unique perspective on personal growth. By acknowledging conflict’s potential to illuminate our emotions, communication patterns, biases, and ego-driven responses, we embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery. As we navigate the landscape of our inner world through the lens of conflict, we cultivate resilience, compassion, and self-awareness. 

Remember this next time you have an argument or need to resolve a conflict. And since you’re friend is someone you care for and vice versa, take note of what is or has been bothering you, explain how it makes you feel, and politely offer a solution. It’s important to confront these things quickly and clearly, or else you’ll have a blowout from built up tension – and hopefully it doesn’t happen at a party either.

Loving Yourself:

“How can you love yourself if love is selfless?”, I used to wonder. Coming out of my depression, I began leaning into my identity, self worth, and this idea of self love. Love was always a connection between two beings, rather than a singular element or feeling. Loving yourself was a foreign idea. Maybe one that couldn’t even be attained.

“You can’t love others until you love yourself.” Such a statement couldn’t be anymore untrue.

Love isn’t mutually exclusive, and it’s not conditional. Boundaries are conditional, which are created so we know whether we are safe to practice love. If you could only love another if you loved yourself, then connections wouldn’t truly be authentic, although it would be easier to recognize when one is.

As I regained my confidence a few years ago, still dabbling in the idea of what it truly means to love yourself, I asked, “How do I know if I love myself?” Is there a sudden change in behavior? Do people treat you differently because you see yourself differently? Do you get the feeling that you just know? Questions arose not only out of curiosity, but out of need. I needed to feel loved. And although I’ve loved others, how dare could I love myself?

During this time the Body Positivity Movement arose, and there were countless self-love campaigns expressed in the marketing of every beauty company and magazine. Stores began removing images of photoshopped models and replaced them with the reclaiming pictures of diverse models. It was refreshing, but it was also a reminder that I needed to love myself.

It felt like an obligation, not a choice.

Unknowingly, I started practicing forms of self-love. I ate healthier, because I wanted my body to feel better and live longer. I started reading again, because it was what I wanted to do. I stopped being so hard on my self, and for some reason, began celebrating my small wins rather than simply glorifying the big ones. I was nicer to myself, because we all have rough days. And I took my medicine when I was sick, rather than letting myself remain in pain as a form of self harm. I then stopped asking myself how to know if I loved myself, because I did.

“Treat yourself like your own best friend”, was a quote that I admired, and I remembered it at times when I felt I was my own enemy. My enemy would want me to pursue my bad habits, dramatize my failures, and develop any anger or sadness without understanding it’s cause. As Gucci Mane once said, “I’m my best friend, and I’m my worst enemy. No one else can hurt me unless I let them, you feel me?” Yes Gucci, but the underlying issue is that sometimes in circumstances of extreme emotion or growth, we don’t know if we’re treating ourselves like our enemy, friend, or if we’re just critiquing our own actions.

I believe that’s the best part about the phrase, “Treat yourself like your own best friend.” You would congratulate them, celebrate them, but also hold them accountable and responsible, because you want them to grow, dream, and be healthy both physically and mentally. You want them to live on because you love them.

Loving yourself isn’t easy, nor is it dreamlike. Loving yourself is taking a shower in the morning, despite wanting to stay in bed all day. It’s taking yourself through your failures: accepting them, learning from them, and aiming to win. Love is it’s own complex element, so complex that it can’t be good nor bad, happy nor sad, imaginative or fact. When I first started Living By Bella, I commonly said that “love is a journey.” And it truly is.

Loving Others:

Love was always performative. You were meant to be adored, drowned in gifts and compliments, and coddled as though you were perfect: not just a perfect person, but perfect enough for another.

There are 5 love languages, according to Gary Chapman: gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. Each person varies in showing and receiving love. Although I show my love through physical touch and quality time, I feel loved through words of affirmation and gifts.

Since love is formed through connection, it’s representation changes between romantic and platonic relationships. I show my brother love through quality time and words of affirmation, but to my boyfriend I express physical touch, and feel loved through boyfriends by words of affirmation.

Loving others requires both selflessness and selfishness. In the Bible, Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” To form such a connection requires the thought of another person not only as a friend, sibling, parent, or a lover, but as their own being, who has needs, wants, desires, and dreams. When you truly love someone, especially a romantic partner, you become one in the sense that you consider their feelings, thoughts, goals, and want the best for them, the same you’d want for yourself, despite your selfish desires. But the connection of love dwells so deep that constant reassurance, attention, and close proximity isn’t needed. The love is already established.

You don’t need to love yourself to love someone else, but you should love yourself, because what powerful of a connection you can create with yourself. We were born into bodies and beings that were created before we consciously realized it, therefore there is always more to learn and grow within. It is better for us to love ourselves, understand our love languages, and use those structures to love others even deeper.

Add More Love to Your Life:

Express it. And know you can receive it. Love is always circling, it is in actions big and small, coming from varying sources. Love is a butterfly landing on your finger, soaking in your presence of calmness, and it’s your friend giving you a hand, when you don’t even realize you need it. Love is in grief. It is in creation. It evolves and it moves through its energetic ways, so to add more love to your life, you have to simply see it. Love is visible in your actions and words, both to yourself and others.

Love is safety. It’s the comfort of knowing you exist beyond yourself, are connected to those around you, and are capable of caring for you and another, without fear or judgement.

Love is love.

Many of us are ambitious, creative women who have spent the summer renewing our health habits, such as hitting the gym, focusing on our businesses and passion projects, or applying for schools and career programs for the upcoming fall. Some of us are finally embracing the present and prioritizing self-care, or at least trying to. However, there are those of us who feel stuck.

Recently, while scrolling through “Threads,” the new Twitter-like app created by Instagram, I came across a quote that struck a chord: “Anyone else feeling sad this summer?” It caught my attention because, typically, we tend to showcase our best, happiest selves during the summer. However, the replies to that comment revealed a different reality. Numerous users expressed a unanimous feeling of being trapped in a rut, experiencing sadness or loneliness, or being hurt by constant comparisons to friends or family members who have the privilege of traveling and truly enjoying the summertime.

In that moment, I realized I had found my place. I, too, have experienced this sense of summer dread. Despite everything appearing positive on paper (two internships, dedicated focus on growing Living By Bella, being back with family, and more), I still feel like I’m lagging behind everyone else.

Your One Thing

This led me to write “Summer Season Solace” to describe the shared sentiment some of us experience during the summer. So, here’s my task for you: focus on your ONE thing this summer. Identify the one thing that ignites your interest, motivates you to get out of bed, something you could talk about for hours, or an activity you would love to pursue if you had the free time.

To be honest, one thing that has been helping me regain my drive is contemplating the concept of death. My mom passed away in her early 30s, and it has haunted me how someone so full of life and purpose could leave this world with seemingly unfinished dreams, like starting her own nonprofit organization. While this perspective may seem somber, it serves as a constant reminder that each day is brimming with life, and the career I desire, the people I love, or the goals I set could be taken away at any moment. This reminder has pushed me to reach out to friends, focus on writing more, and apply for additional fall internships, because each of us has a purpose that we must pursue with determination.

– Bella <3

“It is essential to understand that the loss of ambition is a natural part of the journey. Rather than viewing it as a setback, we see it as an opportunity for redirection and growth.”

When I first began our advice column a few years ago, I received heartwarming messages that emphasized the importance of communication, clarity, and being a helping hand when people need support. However, in 2021, as I faced personal challenges, including temporary homelessness due to a house fire shortly before preparing for college, Living By Bella began to drift away from its original purpose. It became overly focused on monetization, and I lost sight of why I started this venture in the first place – to empower young women like myself, fostering their mental health, wellness, and personal growth through shared knowledge and inspiration.

Sadly, my ambition waned. The daily motivation and excitement that once fueled me became more dream-like, like a faint idea that I could reach out to but couldn’t touch. For months, I struggled with writer’s block until a heartbreak pushed me to pour my emotions onto paper, yet even then, something felt wrong. So, I made the decision to take a hiatus, giving myself time to reflect and informing my supporters of this temporary pause. So Today, I share with you the new and revitalized Living By Bella – a free newsletter and magazine that extends beyond its traditional boundaries. Our aim remains to provide unwavering support, inspiration, and tools for young women to nurture their mental well-being, develop their own unique ideas, and shape their personal philosophies. It is essential to understand that the loss of ambition is a natural part of the journey. Rather than viewing it as a setback, we see it as an opportunity for redirection and growth. So, welcome to the refreshed Living By Bella, where our newsletter and magazine will serve as a cornerstone of empowerment. However, there’s much more to come, and we can’t wait to share it with you in the near future.