Stalked the ex’s new girlfriend. Enviously clicked through that LinkedIn post from the student who got the internship you just got rejected for. Blasted an angry song pretending it’s not about the person from your hometown who somehow still gets under your skin. Warranted or not, these “evil” feelings we swear we’ve evolved past, from jealousy to anger, envy, and ego, are lurking.

You’ll meditate, manifest, journal your “five things I’m grateful for,” and still spiral when someone else posts their “big news.” You’ll tell yourself you’re above comparison while simultaneously zooming in on her hair, her ring, her highlight reel. And the worst part? You’ll feel guilty for feeling it.

But maybe those “bad” feelings aren’t bad at all.

Maybe they’re just trying to talk to you.

Jealousy isn’t evil: it’s intel.

We’ve been taught that jealousy makes us small. That it’s immature, unhealed, and embarrassing. But when you strip away the shame, jealousy is simply an indicator of your desire.

The secret?: You don’t get jealous of things that aren’t connected to you. I’d never be jealous of Olympic swimmers or brain surgeons or people who enjoy camping. Those things just don’t cater to me.

But it does flare up when something hits a littleeee too close to home. Because often it’s potential dressed up in irritation.

That girl’s success story didn’t ruin your mood. It reminded you of your standard. Your passion. Your remembrance of what ease felt like. What it feels like to receive things, good things, just because. What it feels like to dream without doubt. You’re not mad that she has it. You’re mad that you convinced yourself you couldn’t, or even worse, shouldn’t.

How TF do I fix this?

Trace it. Follow jealousy like a clue. What does their win make you feel is missing? Why don’t you believe you deserve it? What, along the way, stopped you from thinking you could do it or have it too?

Rage isn’t chaos: it’s boundary.

Then there’s rage. The emotion that makes you want to throw your phone, your relationship, your entire life into the ocean. But underneath all of that, it makes you feel like a villain with a tumultuous backstory.

But rage is also your body’s secret way of delivering the message: “I’ve been quiet for far too long.”

What happens when you ignore your anger? You smile through disrespect. You spiritualize abuse. You mistake people-pleasing for peace.

When you truly feel your rage, and I mean feel it, your range for comfortability goes out the window. Not only are you letting yourself be upset, but you’re showing the wall you hit, the pillow you threw, and most importantly yourself, what is truly bothering you. And underneath that wound where it bothers you, you find where your boundaries lie.

Your flaws are your flavor.

We spend so much time trying to be the “good” girls who are balanced, quiet, likable, detached, unbothered. But who cares? Girls that make change aren’t neutral, they live on full volume.

Your quirks, contradictions, 0-to-100 personality, intensity, dramatics, weird obsessions, and crazy opinions all encompass you and your authenticity.

The myth that healing means becoming gentle, saintlike, and void of any sharp edge is a lie. Sometimes healing means letting yourself be loud again. To talk with your hands. To roll your eyes. To be petty in your notes app for a minute before returning to grace. Being a good person doesn’t mean being a quiet one.

The Hidden Messages:

Jealousy → Desire

Rage → Boundaries

Ego → Vision

Pettiness → Precision

Control → Care

Jealousy teaches discernment. Rage teaches self-respect. Even your pride taught you to stop begging for the basics. The problem isn’t the feeling, it’s the shame we attach to having it.

Embracing your bad qualities means finally seeing them as part of your design, sometimes looking like crying, scrolling, and cussing. Because that makes us whole.

Sanjita’s inspiring story underscores the pivotal role played by programs like Kode With Klossy and Girls Who Code in igniting her passion for coding. She acknowledges that it’s essential to encourage others in STEM and to tackle mental health issues head-on, rather than brushing them aside. I talked to Sanjita to discuss her takes on mental health, women in STEM, and how you can join the SereneMind team.

Bella: Ok, so tell me a little bit about yourself. Obviously, you’re passionate about mental health and STEM, which are some of my passions too.

Sanjita: Ok, great! My name is Sanjita. It’s really nice to meet you. I am currently a high school senior living in Arizona, and it’s so hot here. I love to bake; i’m all about the fall stuff happening right now. Obviously, I love to code, and one of my other passions is crocheting. I’ve made a crochet blanket, and I’m trying to get into crochet animals. Those are my basic passions right now. Would you like to hear how I got into computer science a little?

Bella: For sure! Obviously, we both did Kode With Klossy.

Sanjita: Freshman year, I heard of Kode With Klossy. They didn’t have an in-person program near me, unfortunately, which sucks, but it was such a fun time. Kode With Klossy helped me get into computer science just a little bit more. Especially because I was first placed in the mobile development camp, and when I made my own app, I thought, ‘This is actually fun.’ Later, when I joined Girls Who Code, the community was so nice. We were struggling together, but we learned Python, HTML, CSS, and more.

After that, in my junior year, after all the chaos, I joined Geneva (the Kode With Klossy Alumni Community), and I saw a post from an organization saying, ‘Hey, Executive Members Needed.’ I thought, ‘Okay, I’ll try it out. It’s my senior year, and it would be fun to share my knowledge.’ I love this organization I’m part of because the founder is so sweet. We’ve been able to teach many young girls how to code, and Kode with Klossy inspired me to want to teach other girls how to code.

Bella: First of all, I love baking too. I’m so happy to find someone who loves to bake. I swear, my brother makes fun of me and says I can’t bake or cook, but I make some good brownies.

So, you said you got interested in joining. What in particular made you passionate about STEM or mental health? I know we talked about Kode With Klossy, but did anything else inspire you or get you involved?

Sanjita: Kode With Klossy definitely inspired me mainly, but in my first robotics camp, there were only a few girls, and when I joined Kode With Klossy, it made me realize that we needed more girls in coding. My sophomore year of high school, my computer science teacher was the number one reason I wanted to continue computer science in college. She was so sweet and always encouraging, even when I struggled with new programming languages. Making websites became one of my favorite things to do. My computer science teacher really persuaded me to pursue computer science in college.

Bella: I started coding when I was 9 and made my first website when I was 10. I lost the passion for it until Kode With Klossy, and I was like, ‘Oh, let me get back into it.’ I’m really glad it’s getting more popular among women.

Okay, so I know this organization blends STEM and mental health. How do you see that happening more in the future?

Sanjita: Especially with coding, it can take a toll on mental health. When you have all these subjects in school, it can get stressful, especially during finals. I saw my friends who were in my computer science classes, and it made me realize that we needed to focus on mental health in the STEM industry. For doctorates and medicine, where there’s so much schooling and work involved, it can be exhausting. What I love about the organization is that we say, ‘What you’re doing is awesome,’ and we address people’s mental health, saying, ‘What you’re feeling is normal, and you can find a way to get through it.’

Bella: Speaking of mental health, what’s the best mental health advice you’ve personally received?

Sanjita: My number one advice is to not compare yourself to anybody. I used to do this so many times, especially in high school. You see your friends achieving things, and you feel happy for them, but you also wonder what you’re doing with your life. Especially on social media, when you see people posting their achievements, you feel happy but also think, ‘Why can’t I do that? They’re so much better than me.’ So, I think my best advice is to stop comparing yourself because you never know what the other person is going through.

Bella: Yeah, I think especially in high school, the struggles of comparison are prevalent. It’s a hot topic, and I’m glad you touched on that. So, what is one misconception about mental health that you get frustrated with or don’t like?

Sanjita: I think one common misconception is when someone says, ‘It’s okay; they’ll get over it.’ If a friend is going through a tough time and people dismiss it, thinking they’ll get over it, that’s frustrating. There are often other circumstances a person is going through, like issues at home or school. You can’t just overlook it and say, ‘They’ll be fine.’

Bella: Okay, thank you. I noticed your magazine, and I loved it. I thought it was so cute. There was an article about being addicted to phones or technology. How do you feel that technology has impacted Gen Z, especially when it comes to mental health?

Sanjita: I see both sides of it. While technology can make people sad when they see posts with seemingly perfect lives, it also has a positive side. Some influencers show the reality of their lives, which helps others relate. There are posts like, ‘Here’s what I do when I’m feeling sad,’ and it makes you feel like what you’re feeling is normal. However, I do think that some platforms like TikTok and Instagram have a big toll on mental health.

Bella: We recently received an email about my university banning Tiktok on their networks, which I found quite surprising. It led to a discussion between my friend and me about whether this might be a signal that we all need a break from social media due to its impact on mental health. But, as you mentioned, there are also positive aspects to it.

Now, what is SereneMind’s mission for those who may not be familiar?

Sanjita: Our primary goal is to help those in STEM or in the STEM industry, and we have ebooks to support people in realizing they’re not alone. But our secondary goal is to increase the number of women in the STEM industry. I believe we initiated this in May or June – June is when I joined – and in June, we launched a mentor/mentee program that I loved so much. We met many girls, and I was mentoring girls from Algeria. I remember thinking I didn’t even know I could be friends with someone from Algeria, and also girls from Morocco and Venezuela. What I love most about the mentorship program is that you help teach code to different girls living there, and I think it’s more enjoyable that way, plus you can make new friends along the way. I distinctly recall thinking that this was one of the things I loved most about SereneMind.

Bella: I’m glad you have that, a mentorship program sounds so cool.

So, what’s your favorite aspect of being on the team? I know you hold an executive position on the leaderboard. What’s your favorite part about it?

Sanjita: I think my favorite part is that when I have a specific task, such as organizing a workshop, I really appreciate how much the team members help, especially the girl who founded it. She’s so nice, and it’s challenging to organize this whole thing by yourself. But if you have a question, someone will quickly provide assistance. Especially during school, when you don’t have as much time to handle everything, they help you create more time for your tasks.

Bella: So as an executive team member, what’s your daily or weekly to-do list? What do you normally do?

Sanjita: About two weeks ago, we started working on a virtual webinar we’re hosting, and we have to spread the word a little to get people to join our webinar session. What I would do is go on google forms and see if anyone has joined or if we’ve had new members, and we’d go on canva and make some posts about it to bring more engagement. In July, we were working on an ebook – a children’s mental health yearbook – and I assisted on the writing and making sure the illustrator and writers completed everything needed. Now, my daily tasks just consist of working on our upcoming webinar.

Bella: Where do you see SereneMind in 1-5 years? What is the biggest goal right now for this organization?

Sanjita: Our biggest goal so far is increasing our coding workshop. When we first started we didn’t have as many mentees and mentors, but once we started getting more people on our executive team, they helped spread the word even more. Luckily our team has grown a lot more, especially a lot more mentees and mentors joining us. I really hope we get more people to join and engage with the program. We definitely want to help teach more girls how to code.

Loving Yourself:

“How can you love yourself if love is selfless?”, I used to wonder. Coming out of my depression, I began leaning into my identity, self worth, and this idea of self love. Love was always a connection between two beings, rather than a singular element or feeling. Loving yourself was a foreign idea. Maybe one that couldn’t even be attained.

“You can’t love others until you love yourself.” Such a statement couldn’t be anymore untrue.

Love isn’t mutually exclusive, and it’s not conditional. Boundaries are conditional, which are created so we know whether we are safe to practice love. If you could only love another if you loved yourself, then connections wouldn’t truly be authentic, although it would be easier to recognize when one is.

As I regained my confidence a few years ago, still dabbling in the idea of what it truly means to love yourself, I asked, “How do I know if I love myself?” Is there a sudden change in behavior? Do people treat you differently because you see yourself differently? Do you get the feeling that you just know? Questions arose not only out of curiosity, but out of need. I needed to feel loved. And although I’ve loved others, how dare could I love myself?

During this time the Body Positivity Movement arose, and there were countless self-love campaigns expressed in the marketing of every beauty company and magazine. Stores began removing images of photoshopped models and replaced them with the reclaiming pictures of diverse models. It was refreshing, but it was also a reminder that I needed to love myself.

It felt like an obligation, not a choice.

Unknowingly, I started practicing forms of self-love. I ate healthier, because I wanted my body to feel better and live longer. I started reading again, because it was what I wanted to do. I stopped being so hard on my self, and for some reason, began celebrating my small wins rather than simply glorifying the big ones. I was nicer to myself, because we all have rough days. And I took my medicine when I was sick, rather than letting myself remain in pain as a form of self harm. I then stopped asking myself how to know if I loved myself, because I did.

“Treat yourself like your own best friend”, was a quote that I admired, and I remembered it at times when I felt I was my own enemy. My enemy would want me to pursue my bad habits, dramatize my failures, and develop any anger or sadness without understanding it’s cause. As Gucci Mane once said, “I’m my best friend, and I’m my worst enemy. No one else can hurt me unless I let them, you feel me?” Yes Gucci, but the underlying issue is that sometimes in circumstances of extreme emotion or growth, we don’t know if we’re treating ourselves like our enemy, friend, or if we’re just critiquing our own actions.

I believe that’s the best part about the phrase, “Treat yourself like your own best friend.” You would congratulate them, celebrate them, but also hold them accountable and responsible, because you want them to grow, dream, and be healthy both physically and mentally. You want them to live on because you love them.

Loving yourself isn’t easy, nor is it dreamlike. Loving yourself is taking a shower in the morning, despite wanting to stay in bed all day. It’s taking yourself through your failures: accepting them, learning from them, and aiming to win. Love is it’s own complex element, so complex that it can’t be good nor bad, happy nor sad, imaginative or fact. When I first started Living By Bella, I commonly said that “love is a journey.” And it truly is.

Loving Others:

Love was always performative. You were meant to be adored, drowned in gifts and compliments, and coddled as though you were perfect: not just a perfect person, but perfect enough for another.

There are 5 love languages, according to Gary Chapman: gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. Each person varies in showing and receiving love. Although I show my love through physical touch and quality time, I feel loved through words of affirmation and gifts.

Since love is formed through connection, it’s representation changes between romantic and platonic relationships. I show my brother love through quality time and words of affirmation, but to my boyfriend I express physical touch, and feel loved through boyfriends by words of affirmation.

Loving others requires both selflessness and selfishness. In the Bible, Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” To form such a connection requires the thought of another person not only as a friend, sibling, parent, or a lover, but as their own being, who has needs, wants, desires, and dreams. When you truly love someone, especially a romantic partner, you become one in the sense that you consider their feelings, thoughts, goals, and want the best for them, the same you’d want for yourself, despite your selfish desires. But the connection of love dwells so deep that constant reassurance, attention, and close proximity isn’t needed. The love is already established.

You don’t need to love yourself to love someone else, but you should love yourself, because what powerful of a connection you can create with yourself. We were born into bodies and beings that were created before we consciously realized it, therefore there is always more to learn and grow within. It is better for us to love ourselves, understand our love languages, and use those structures to love others even deeper.

Add More Love to Your Life:

Express it. And know you can receive it. Love is always circling, it is in actions big and small, coming from varying sources. Love is a butterfly landing on your finger, soaking in your presence of calmness, and it’s your friend giving you a hand, when you don’t even realize you need it. Love is in grief. It is in creation. It evolves and it moves through its energetic ways, so to add more love to your life, you have to simply see it. Love is visible in your actions and words, both to yourself and others.

Love is safety. It’s the comfort of knowing you exist beyond yourself, are connected to those around you, and are capable of caring for you and another, without fear or judgement.

Love is love.