Stalked the ex’s new girlfriend. Enviously clicked through that LinkedIn post from the student who got the internship you just got rejected for. Blasted an angry song pretending it’s not about the person from your hometown who somehow still gets under your skin. Warranted or not, these “evil” feelings we swear we’ve evolved past, from jealousy to anger, envy, and ego, are lurking.

You’ll meditate, manifest, journal your “five things I’m grateful for,” and still spiral when someone else posts their “big news.” You’ll tell yourself you’re above comparison while simultaneously zooming in on her hair, her ring, her highlight reel. And the worst part? You’ll feel guilty for feeling it.

But maybe those “bad” feelings aren’t bad at all.

Maybe they’re just trying to talk to you.

Jealousy isn’t evil: it’s intel.

We’ve been taught that jealousy makes us small. That it’s immature, unhealed, and embarrassing. But when you strip away the shame, jealousy is simply an indicator of your desire.

The secret?: You don’t get jealous of things that aren’t connected to you. I’d never be jealous of Olympic swimmers or brain surgeons or people who enjoy camping. Those things just don’t cater to me.

But it does flare up when something hits a littleeee too close to home. Because often it’s potential dressed up in irritation.

That girl’s success story didn’t ruin your mood. It reminded you of your standard. Your passion. Your remembrance of what ease felt like. What it feels like to receive things, good things, just because. What it feels like to dream without doubt. You’re not mad that she has it. You’re mad that you convinced yourself you couldn’t, or even worse, shouldn’t.

How TF do I fix this?

Trace it. Follow jealousy like a clue. What does their win make you feel is missing? Why don’t you believe you deserve it? What, along the way, stopped you from thinking you could do it or have it too?

Rage isn’t chaos: it’s boundary.

Then there’s rage. The emotion that makes you want to throw your phone, your relationship, your entire life into the ocean. But underneath all of that, it makes you feel like a villain with a tumultuous backstory.

But rage is also your body’s secret way of delivering the message: “I’ve been quiet for far too long.”

What happens when you ignore your anger? You smile through disrespect. You spiritualize abuse. You mistake people-pleasing for peace.

When you truly feel your rage, and I mean feel it, your range for comfortability goes out the window. Not only are you letting yourself be upset, but you’re showing the wall you hit, the pillow you threw, and most importantly yourself, what is truly bothering you. And underneath that wound where it bothers you, you find where your boundaries lie.

Your flaws are your flavor.

We spend so much time trying to be the “good” girls who are balanced, quiet, likable, detached, unbothered. But who cares? Girls that make change aren’t neutral, they live on full volume.

Your quirks, contradictions, 0-to-100 personality, intensity, dramatics, weird obsessions, and crazy opinions all encompass you and your authenticity.

The myth that healing means becoming gentle, saintlike, and void of any sharp edge is a lie. Sometimes healing means letting yourself be loud again. To talk with your hands. To roll your eyes. To be petty in your notes app for a minute before returning to grace. Being a good person doesn’t mean being a quiet one.

The Hidden Messages:

Jealousy → Desire

Rage → Boundaries

Ego → Vision

Pettiness → Precision

Control → Care

Jealousy teaches discernment. Rage teaches self-respect. Even your pride taught you to stop begging for the basics. The problem isn’t the feeling, it’s the shame we attach to having it.

Embracing your bad qualities means finally seeing them as part of your design, sometimes looking like crying, scrolling, and cussing. Because that makes us whole.

No, you wanted me to say that my skin started glowing, my confidence skyrocketed, and I had the oh-so-common epiphany that social media was ruining my life. False. What I actually gained was clarity on my body, my needs, and the frightening truth that I genuinely don’t care what I look like anymore.

I love makeup. I love dyeing my curls honey blonde every two months. But trends kept whispering: “Sculpt your nose. Lift your eyes. Wear this.” I chased features I didn’t have. And while my self-esteem stayed intact, my blush placement absolutely did not (newsflash: clowncore is not for everyone).

For the past two years, I’ve been in and out of hospitals. By the end of sophomore year, I landed in the ER. I stopped caring if my lipliner was blended or if my beat-up boots matched the hoodie I wore like armor to class. My body was breaking down, and so was the façade. Bye-bye haircare. Bye-bye Urban Decay.

Usually, summer is when I thrive: glowy skin, small waist, birthday season energy. But this time, after a trip across the country with my boyfriend, I looked, and felt, the worst I ever had. Another ER visit. No glow in sight.

So I cut the noise. No more social media trends. No more “sponsored” anything. Instead, I took myself to the flea market and bought clothes I would’ve loved at age five. I stared at my face for way too long in the mirror, shaping my makeup to where the shadows hit my face, not where someone with a slim face and oval face told me to contour. I wore blush as eyeshadow. Purple lipstick for no reason. Stopped dyeing my hair (even though I might go back, don’t fight me). I started getting plain nails again. Ugly jewelry that makes no sense. Earrings shaped like bugs. Random Y2K pieces I’d never wear at my college.

And while I stopped watching social media, I started watching my body. It bloats when I scroll for too long. It hurts when I eat protein. It’s breaking out enough to host a Tic-Tac-Toe tournament. But instead of hiding, I started listening. I bought skincare for my skin. I ditched lash extensions that leave bald spots and opted for cheap strip lashes. I stopped working out for a big butt. I like cardio. I like having a small bum.

Trends can be fun. They teach you, they inspire you. But stepping away teaches you what you like before algorithms get a say. And everything you think you need to change about yourself? It’s probably just your uniqueness being gaslit by the For You page.

I gained some weight and my skin’s still healing. But I’m finally seeing just my features, and I’ve never cared less about how I look because I’ve never known myself more.

1. The Archetypes Within:

At the heart of Jungian theory lies the concept of archetypes—universal symbols and themes residing in the collective unconscious. Within the realm of self-love, we come face to face with various archetypes, each representing different aspects of our personality—the Hero, the Shadow, etc . Embracing these archetypes means acknowledging the diverse characters within our internal narrative, which reflects the parts of us that we try to hide, ignore, or don’t consciously realize are there. Embracing this fosters a deeper understanding and acceptance of our multifaceted selves.

2. Embracing the Shadow:

Central to Jung’s philosophy is the integration of the Shadow—the concealed, darker aspects of our identity. The journey of self-love requires us to confront and embrace these hidden facets, recognizing that true love for oneself involves accepting both the light and the shadow within. By doing so, we lay the foundation for a more authentic and holistic sense of self-love.

3. The Path of Individuation:

The exploration of the Self Love journey is not a static affair; it’s a dynamic process of individuation. Jung proposed that as we delve into and integrate various aspects of our psyche, we move closer to becoming our authentic selves. In this journey, self-love flourishes not from an idealized version of ourselves but from an acceptance of our genuine identity.

4. Nurturing Conscious Connection with the Psyche:

To cultivate self-love, Jungian psychology urges the development of a conscious relationship with the psyche. This involves ongoing self-reflection, introspection, and a continuous dialogue with the different parts of ourselves. The quest for self-love becomes a space for contemplation, an active engagement in understanding and nurturing our relationship with our own psyche.

In the light of Jungian principles, self-love is not a fixed destination but a continuous exploration—an unearthing of treasures hidden within. By acknowledging archetypes, integrating the shadow, and traversing the path of individuation, we pave the way for a profound and enduring love that encompasses the entirety of our beautifully complex existence.

First and foremost, remember that your mere existence is enough. Your worth transcends the superficial benchmarks society imposes. You are innately valuable, unique, and deserving of love and respect, simply because you are you.

2. Imperfections: Your Unique Signature

Perfection is the elusive butterfly of our existence. Embrace your imperfections, for they are the brushstrokes that paint the masterpiece of your life. It’s your quirks and idiosyncrasies that add depth and character to your human journey.

3. Have Self-Compassion

Extend to yourself the kindness and compassion that you offer your friends. Understand that making mistakes and encountering setbacks is part of the beautiful human experience. Self-compassion is the soothing balm that nurtures healing and growth.

4. The Pitfall of Comparison

Comparing your path to others’ is a self-imposed trap. Your journey is uniquely yours, and comparing it to others’ only sows seeds of self-doubt. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and focus on your personal growth without the shadow of comparison.

5. Seek Support

When insecurity comes, don’t hesitate to seek the warmth of human connection. Talk to friends, family, or others who can offer perspective and the encouragement you need to navigate through the fog of insecurity.

Remember, in the tapestry of human experience, insecurity is but a single thread among many. Embrace your vulnerability, for it is the crucible where your true strength emerges. You are worthy, and you are capable of embracing your true self with open arms and a loving heart.

How to Truly Let Go:

1. Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on what no longer serves you. Identify the things, people, or beliefs that are holding you back from self-love and personal growth.

2. Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support. Talking about your feelings and experiences can help you navigate the process of letting go.

3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your body and soul. This can include meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply spending time doing things you love.

4. Replace with Positivity: As you let go of negativity, replace it with positivity. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, engage in activities that bring you joy, and cultivate self-love through positive affirmations.

Letting go is a courageous act of self-love. It’s a choice to release the past and create a brighter future. By shedding the weight of what no longer serves you, you make room for self-compassion, growth, and authentic happiness. Embrace the power of self-love, and you’ll find that letting go is not a loss but a beautiful gain – a gain of freedom, happiness, and a brighter, more authentic you.

It’s the child in us that still dreams, believes, and ignites our creativity. That child is telling us something. Do you remember your hobbies? Did you draw, write, play sports, dance, bake, or toy with blocks, dolls, or Legos? Your childhood endeavors told you what you liked about yourself and others, what you enjoyed doing, and how happily you perceived life when doing those things.

To rejoice in your true passions and regain a sense of self, create room for the 5 year old in you to return.

Listen to nostalgic music, play that instrument from 3rd grade, watch childhood TV shows, or simply revisit your past neighborhood. Partake in your childhood hobbies, a safe space free of worry, regret, and embedded in true joy and excitement. Pick up your favorite pen or paintbrush, and fulfill your creative drive.

When I was younger, I had (and still have) journals of articles and handmade magazines. My brother grew up with a love for building and creating films with action figures and video game characters. Although the reality of adulthood has hit both of us – a reality of responsibility, hardship, and a world hungry for money – there is still a deep urge for me, the writer, to thrive, and my brother, a film maker and video game creative that seeks to escape this world, to fulfill that urge of returning to our best, most truest selves, the child within.

I encourage you all to find and relive that 5 year old within you, the one who would ask you ”. “If you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

Remember, your joys, hobbies, perceptions, and dreams are trying to tell you something, but it is up to you to listen and respond, so you can continue the dream your inner child wanted you to live so badly.

Although I love both aesthetics myself, I questioned why certain “eras” continue to alter social media so drastically. It’s apparent how deeply these trends influence us, often without us realizing it.

A few years ago, around 2016-2017, the “baddie” aesthetic towered over Instagram, Tumblr, and Pinterest. Trends change, fluctuate, and alternate all the time – a seemingly necessary part of dating history when it comes to lifestyle, fashion, beauty, etc. However, when we scroll on TikTok, watch a YouTube video, or like our friend’s new post, the level of influence these trends or “aesthetics” have over us becomes blurry.

The Line of Influence

On a basic level, trends affect your lifestyle and hobbies. You want to try that new makeup routine, spice up your playlist when a new song becomes viral, or you want to try that new recipe everyone’s doing. But the impact doesn’t stop there.

Opinions and Beliefs: When we constantly scroll through social media, we have no time to stop thinking and question what we’ve seen, heard, read, or learned. “Stop Thought” is a common manipulation tactic, because when we fail to question or analyze thoughts on our own account, we fall victim to others’ beliefs without notice.

Your Emotions: With new thoughts and beliefs, your emotions have kicked in. Maybe you’re having some cognitive dissonance, or these new habits or hobbies make you feel good – or bad.

Now you’ve taken action. You’ve bought the clothes, the book, watched the new movie, or even gone deeper: After seeing relationships on social media, you decided to take a break with your boyfriend and rethink your relationship. Or you’ve altered your persona – what once was a trendy new outfit you put on is now you’re identity. You are the “soft girl.”

We Want Real & Raw: The End of an Era?

Although trends come and go, and the trails of influence they leave behind can be positive or negative, there will always be a line of truth. And sometimes, the truth is refreshing to see.

Loving Yourself:

“How can you love yourself if love is selfless?”, I used to wonder. Coming out of my depression, I began leaning into my identity, self worth, and this idea of self love. Love was always a connection between two beings, rather than a singular element or feeling. Loving yourself was a foreign idea. Maybe one that couldn’t even be attained.

“You can’t love others until you love yourself.” Such a statement couldn’t be anymore untrue.

Love isn’t mutually exclusive, and it’s not conditional. Boundaries are conditional, which are created so we know whether we are safe to practice love. If you could only love another if you loved yourself, then connections wouldn’t truly be authentic, although it would be easier to recognize when one is.

As I regained my confidence a few years ago, still dabbling in the idea of what it truly means to love yourself, I asked, “How do I know if I love myself?” Is there a sudden change in behavior? Do people treat you differently because you see yourself differently? Do you get the feeling that you just know? Questions arose not only out of curiosity, but out of need. I needed to feel loved. And although I’ve loved others, how dare could I love myself?

During this time the Body Positivity Movement arose, and there were countless self-love campaigns expressed in the marketing of every beauty company and magazine. Stores began removing images of photoshopped models and replaced them with the reclaiming pictures of diverse models. It was refreshing, but it was also a reminder that I needed to love myself.

It felt like an obligation, not a choice.

Unknowingly, I started practicing forms of self-love. I ate healthier, because I wanted my body to feel better and live longer. I started reading again, because it was what I wanted to do. I stopped being so hard on my self, and for some reason, began celebrating my small wins rather than simply glorifying the big ones. I was nicer to myself, because we all have rough days. And I took my medicine when I was sick, rather than letting myself remain in pain as a form of self harm. I then stopped asking myself how to know if I loved myself, because I did.

“Treat yourself like your own best friend”, was a quote that I admired, and I remembered it at times when I felt I was my own enemy. My enemy would want me to pursue my bad habits, dramatize my failures, and develop any anger or sadness without understanding it’s cause. As Gucci Mane once said, “I’m my best friend, and I’m my worst enemy. No one else can hurt me unless I let them, you feel me?” Yes Gucci, but the underlying issue is that sometimes in circumstances of extreme emotion or growth, we don’t know if we’re treating ourselves like our enemy, friend, or if we’re just critiquing our own actions.

I believe that’s the best part about the phrase, “Treat yourself like your own best friend.” You would congratulate them, celebrate them, but also hold them accountable and responsible, because you want them to grow, dream, and be healthy both physically and mentally. You want them to live on because you love them.

Loving yourself isn’t easy, nor is it dreamlike. Loving yourself is taking a shower in the morning, despite wanting to stay in bed all day. It’s taking yourself through your failures: accepting them, learning from them, and aiming to win. Love is it’s own complex element, so complex that it can’t be good nor bad, happy nor sad, imaginative or fact. When I first started Living By Bella, I commonly said that “love is a journey.” And it truly is.

Loving Others:

Love was always performative. You were meant to be adored, drowned in gifts and compliments, and coddled as though you were perfect: not just a perfect person, but perfect enough for another.

There are 5 love languages, according to Gary Chapman: gift giving, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and quality time. Each person varies in showing and receiving love. Although I show my love through physical touch and quality time, I feel loved through words of affirmation and gifts.

Since love is formed through connection, it’s representation changes between romantic and platonic relationships. I show my brother love through quality time and words of affirmation, but to my boyfriend I express physical touch, and feel loved through boyfriends by words of affirmation.

Loving others requires both selflessness and selfishness. In the Bible, Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” To form such a connection requires the thought of another person not only as a friend, sibling, parent, or a lover, but as their own being, who has needs, wants, desires, and dreams. When you truly love someone, especially a romantic partner, you become one in the sense that you consider their feelings, thoughts, goals, and want the best for them, the same you’d want for yourself, despite your selfish desires. But the connection of love dwells so deep that constant reassurance, attention, and close proximity isn’t needed. The love is already established.

You don’t need to love yourself to love someone else, but you should love yourself, because what powerful of a connection you can create with yourself. We were born into bodies and beings that were created before we consciously realized it, therefore there is always more to learn and grow within. It is better for us to love ourselves, understand our love languages, and use those structures to love others even deeper.

Add More Love to Your Life:

Express it. And know you can receive it. Love is always circling, it is in actions big and small, coming from varying sources. Love is a butterfly landing on your finger, soaking in your presence of calmness, and it’s your friend giving you a hand, when you don’t even realize you need it. Love is in grief. It is in creation. It evolves and it moves through its energetic ways, so to add more love to your life, you have to simply see it. Love is visible in your actions and words, both to yourself and others.

Love is safety. It’s the comfort of knowing you exist beyond yourself, are connected to those around you, and are capable of caring for you and another, without fear or judgement.

Love is love.

It’s a never ending cycle: a cycle of upkeep, changes, purchases, beliefs, or anything that revolves around the constant changes required to be considered beautiful at the time. Knowing this, the essence of self-care takes on a new profound significance. It nurtures our inner esteem and encompasses not only the physical, but also the emotional dimensions of our being. 

As the summer season settles in, remembering to protect our bodies and minds from things we know can only harm us, which could include harmful relationships, the thief of joy herself: comparison, or unruly habits we keep falling back to, is fully necessary to upkeep our mental health and truly enjoy the summer. Beyond the temporal facade, true beauty emerges when we cherish our daily lives, which is rooted in celebrating each version of us that shows up for the day.

Let this summer be a testament to the transformative power of self-care, as we celebrate the innate beauty that resides within us. True beauty lies not in conformity but in the profound acceptance of our authentic selves. May this season be a time of self-discovery, awakening, and the radiant expression of our inner authenticity.

– Bella Floyd