“Why am I so attached to a man who l’ve never dated but spent six months chasing on and off? He seems like an avoidant yet every time I tell him to change, he says it’s too much for him, and that he can’t be the man for me. I never get mad at him, but I wish him the best and stop talking to him, then he always reaches out again when I made it clear that I’m trying to move on. I know the easy answer is just to block him, but I made a promise that I would always be here for him and I still have a little bit of hope because maybe we’ll work out in the future. Is he just manipulating me, or does he like me but something from his past or something mentally is holding him back from committing to me?”
–Kate
Hi Kate,
I’ll tell you why you’re attached. But first, I’ll tell you a story.
Freshman year, I met a guy who told me, more than once, that he couldn’t be the man I needed and wasn’t ready for a relationship. Doe-eyed and craving affection, I stayed. And I’ll be honest, I knew I was out of his league. I figured he’d grow. I figured he’d realize I was good for him. I treated him well, showed up for him, even helped him emotionally. What I didn’t realize was that underneath all of that, I was clinging to the feeling. I needed his attention, his affection, the comfort. And the worst part? He told me exactly how it would end. And he was right.
I’m telling you this because you’re not alone. You’re not foolish. You just had hope. And when the connection feels strong but the relationship never forms, it creates this confusing limbo that’s hard to step out of. I’ve been there. So many of us have. And me and you both know you deserve better. So let’s talk about why this still hurts.
You said the key words: He’s an avoidant. Which tells me you’re aware he’s not communicating his feelings, nor delivering the needs of yours. You’ve also been telling him to change, which tells me the dynamic consists of you voicing your needs, him not meeting them, and you trying to “fix” the situation or him. But that isn’t love. It’s labor. And love isn’t supposed to exhaust you.
You also know he isn’t the man for you. Not just because he said it, but because of how he shows up. The moments where he goes silent, when your needs get pushed aside, when he disappears just long enough for you to question everything. And then, right as you start to find your footing, he pops back in. That’s not clarity. That’s confusion disguised as comfort.
And I’m not going to tell you to block him. That’s not always the solution. You don’t need to cut him off. You just need to come back to you. You don’t need to make a dramatic exit to reclaim your peace. You just need to start choosing yourself more often. Your energy, your affection, and your presence are gifts. Reread that. And they don’t belong in hands that don’t know how to hold them, no matter the reason why.
Here’s what tends to happen if you stay in the loop. You’ll keep talking. You’ll keep hoping. He’ll say the right things. Maybe even treat you like a girlfriend without calling you one. And yes, it’ll feel good… until it doesn’t. Until you remember you still don’t have a title. Still don’t have security. Still don’t feel chosen. Still in a relationship for years and he isn’t serving up to your needs without a fight or confrontation. And you’ll wonder if you’re asking for too much when really, you’re asking for the bare minimum.
And none of this makes you unworthy. It makes you human. You’re not “too much” or “not enough.” You’re just someone who’s been giving more than they’ve been getting. And if that dynamic hasn’t changed yet, it won’t.
So is he manipulating you or does he like you? Both. He probably likes you. Likes your heart, spending time with you, the affection you give him. And he may be unintentionally pulling you along. But if he hasn’t done the work to show up in love, he’s not going to magically wake up ready. Even if he’s kind. Even if he says he cares. Saying “you deserve better” isn’t the same as being better. Sometimes people give you just enough to keep you close, but never enough to make you feel secure. And that’s not love. That’s games. And intentional or not, it’s manipulation.
I know it’s tempting to wonder what’s stopping him. I know you’ve thought of it all: Maybe he’s scared. Maybe he’s been hurt. Maybe it’s something deep he hasn’t healed yet. And maybe it is. But unless heis the one asking those questions, it’s not your job to answer them for him. And you should be in a relationship with someone who does answer those questions, without you having to even ask. And holding out hope for a relationship that won’t be ready when you get in it, because he won’t do the work now, is only time spent losing yourself in the process.
So why are you attached to someone you never dated?
Because you cared. Because you felt something real. You built a story around the version of him that showed up when things felt good. You saw potential. You hoped for more. And when you care deeply, even an almost can leave a real mark.
But now, it’s time to return to you. Because quite honestly, no amount of love or likeness is enough to make someone treat you differently.
And if you’re wondering how to actually close the door, start small. Archive the messages so you’re not tempted to reread them. Mute him if you don’t want to block him. When the thoughts come up, remind yourself: if he wanted to be here, he would be. It doesn’t have to be cold or sudden. It just has to be consistent.
You can miss him and still move forward. You can care about him and still close the door. You can maintain boundaries and not put his desires before yours. You don’t need his permission to let go.
And if he reaches out again? You don’t have to react. You’ll already know he’s not trying to build something new. He’s just making sure the door is still open. And you are learning how to lock the door without hating what’s behind it.
With much love,
Bella
